It's Been A While, And Yet...

It's been nearly a year now since my last blog entry.

I remember how frustrating it was to be working on pre-production for a show for over a year. I celebrated my second year anniversary of working on that same show last March.

It's gotten so I don't think I really care anymore. It's all very "so what?" and "now what?" for me, especially work and career-wise.

And so I entertain myself by listening to Fiona Apple on imeem.com. That woman has an amazing voice. The kind I wish I had. And there's something particularly soothing about listening to the pounded-out piano and deep, deep bass riffs with over-ear headphones (thank you Tabby for lending them to me, unbeknownst to you).

I didn't know that Pharell did a Criminal remix, very not bad to my ears. I love that song.

Neurotic Thursday

As I sat in my office cubicle, randomly surfing the net, I heard an acoustic version of "With You" being played nearby. I stood up to find the source of the music. A neighbor was playing a clip from youtube. I thought it was Sam Milby. Turned out to be an unknown Caucasian dude. Sounded pretty good.

***

I just got back from performance assessment with my boss. I must say I am quite relieved. And utterly grateful. And yet the neurotic in me refuses to let me celebrate too long. What of next year's appraisal? What happens when my show finally airs or we start taping and they figure out that I'm not all that after all? The voice in my head keeps insisting that I am not worthy. What a way to quash var-pay joy.

But at least, I'll get to pay off my credit card bill na! Or kahit half man lang. And my pending Globe bills (yeay I'll be able to get my old number back!). I'll buy an electric fan, pay my dad for what I charged to his Visa, maybe get a facial, manies and pedies, a full tank of gas, shopping, groceries... (as if magkakasya lahat! Nangangarap pa ko bumili ng condo at mag-invest sa mutual funds, at bumiyahe's magbakasyon, at paayos ang oto ko, at makapag-ipon. Sheesh.)

Hence the perpetual dilemma: how to survive the demands of the job without slacking and yet making full use of all available time and resources and possibly still finding alternate sources of income to augment current cash flow to maintain standards of living and concurrently have the luxury of a comfortable lifestyle.

What good does thinking do? Sometimes it feels like I just keep turning things around and around in my head and yet I keep seeing the same thing. I need an epiphany. Or a mirror. Or a surgeon. Or LSD.