2:12 p.m. on a Thursday

Ever since I was little, it was very clear to me how my life would go: do well in school, proceed to the next grade. Do well in grade school, proceed to high school. Make good in high school, get into a good college. Do well in college, land a great job and live happily ever after. Simple.

Two decades later. I did well in school, got into the only college that was ever really an option, serendipitously landed a job at the company of my dreams, and...now what? Apparently, not quite as cut and dried as I thought it would be.

What happens when the dream you thought you always wanted turns up to be not quite what you expected? Do you hold on to the idea of what you think it ought to be or give up on it, in the hopes of finding a new dream?

There probably aren't any right or wrong answers here. We each pave our own paths, take our steps, choose our choices. I suppose, ultimately, the fear of judgement, rejection or failure goes conveniently hand in hand with the lethargy of one that ignores persistent little nudges that edge you out of your comfort zone.

And so I remain, exactly where I am, as I am, tossed around by waves of events and dragged by a current of circumstances, all the while managing to keep my head above water, and the faintest sliver of hope afloat.

Neurotic Thursday

As I sat in my office cubicle, randomly surfing the net, I heard an acoustic version of "With You" being played nearby. I stood up to find the source of the music. A neighbor was playing a clip from youtube. I thought it was Sam Milby. Turned out to be an unknown Caucasian dude. Sounded pretty good.

***

I just got back from performance assessment with my boss. I must say I am quite relieved. And utterly grateful. And yet the neurotic in me refuses to let me celebrate too long. What of next year's appraisal? What happens when my show finally airs or we start taping and they figure out that I'm not all that after all? The voice in my head keeps insisting that I am not worthy. What a way to quash var-pay joy.

But at least, I'll get to pay off my credit card bill na! Or kahit half man lang. And my pending Globe bills (yeay I'll be able to get my old number back!). I'll buy an electric fan, pay my dad for what I charged to his Visa, maybe get a facial, manies and pedies, a full tank of gas, shopping, groceries... (as if magkakasya lahat! Nangangarap pa ko bumili ng condo at mag-invest sa mutual funds, at bumiyahe's magbakasyon, at paayos ang oto ko, at makapag-ipon. Sheesh.)

Hence the perpetual dilemma: how to survive the demands of the job without slacking and yet making full use of all available time and resources and possibly still finding alternate sources of income to augment current cash flow to maintain standards of living and concurrently have the luxury of a comfortable lifestyle.

What good does thinking do? Sometimes it feels like I just keep turning things around and around in my head and yet I keep seeing the same thing. I need an epiphany. Or a mirror. Or a surgeon. Or LSD.

My Secret Identity

Your results:
You are Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman 80% Spider-Man 75% Supergirl 65% Iron Man 60% Green Lantern 55% The Flash 45% Catwoman 45% Hulk 40% Robin 37% Superman 35% Batman 30%

You are a beautiful princess with great strength of character.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Test

Labor Day Morning

i was considering blogging about work concerns, since it is labor day and all, but it is 5:17 am and i am giving in to the tiredness borne from working straight from 2:30 pm til past one in the morning. for some reason even just a couple of hours past my required eight weigh extra heavily on my shoulders...literally. it sits, irremovable, between the blades of my back, in a spot that i am unable to reach to massage myself with equally weary hands.

but at least...i get labor day off! or rather, i can work from home, or wherever it is i choose to spend the holiday. hopefully all i'll need to do is make one call to follow up on my script. perhaps i shall do it while getting manies and pedies. or before i go for a dip in the pool. or on my way to the mall. or in the comfort of my very own room whilst i tidy up a bit. there's such comfort in the slow, irregular unraveling of a totally unplanned day.

but first, a good night's sleep.

Friday Night Once More

i'm done serving the eight obligatory hours to my television network master. i can now clock out and freely exit the guarded glass doors to enjoy a night out on the town with equally world-weary friends. and yet, like many other friday nights before, i find myself lingering in my office cubicle, compelled to make full use of the available internet and relative quiet in an otherwise busy, bustling environment.

***

last night i was listening to several enchanting tunes from a friend's playlist. it put me in the mood for intellectual sparring, the kind i've often enjoyed with a few close friends, covering every topic under the sun, from the serious, to the insane, and the seriously mundane, without fear of discrimination or rancor, with the passion and gusto of the young, the restless, and the fully self-expressed.

however, i walked to my car, and, having sat down in the driver's seat, i found myself instantly drained of all motivation. tonight, perhaps, shall be different. without the weight of work tomorrow looming over me, perhaps, tonight shall be different.

***

some time ago, i chanced upon an article in a broadsheet, about a wedding anniversary wherein the song of choice was "just the way you are" by billy joel. the lyrics were published in full, and it was the first time i had really read through them (as the song was popularized before my time. i know, it's not an excuse, but still...). i gained a new appreciation for the song, and what i thought it meant. i particularly like the last stanza, which goes "i don't want clever conversation/i never want to work that hard/i just want someone that i can talk to/i want you just the way you are". when i was younger, i took such great pride and joy in the lengthy conversations peppered with witty oneliners and scathing rebuttals (carried over from my high school days on the forensics a.k.a. debate team) that i often engaged in, not realizing how empty a lot of those words were, fueled merely by pomp, proving nothing. the song lyrics remind me that sometimes, less is more, simple doesn't mean typical and even a paper bag being blown by the wind can be poignant (given the proper scoring and cinematography, of course).

now, time for a symposium at my favorite haunt.

birthday wish list

my birthday's coming up, yeay! i must say i'm pretty content with everything i have, and how my life is going in general. of course, this isn't to say i'm not without wants (i am, after all, only human). and so, as i am petiksing on a friday night, waiting for my wingman to finish taping so that we can go off and watch my brother's gig, i'm putting together a list of wants:

1. falling in love body wash and lotion by philosophy (my supply is running out :p)
2. a mouse pad (for my desk at work, i've been making do with scratch paper, haha)
3. pantene hair fall control shampoo and silky smooth conditioner (wala akong oras pumunta sa grocery)
4. mascara
5. blush brush
6. eyebrow pencil sharpener
7. haircut at tony and jackey
8. a new bikini for the summer!
9. sanuks! a nice, comfy pair for taping
10. dresses, lovely summery ones
11. alice blue candles
12. gym membership
13. time to go to the gym hahaha
14. libreng lipo (for stubborn chubs)
15. bandmates! and gigs!
16. trip to boracay
17. new contact lenses (my disposable ones won't last forever)
18. contact lens solution
19. manies and pedies at the nail loft
20. a facial
21. a new car
22. a 2-bedroom condo
23. a trip abroad
24. wallet
25. wedges that won't kill my feet
26. new chucks (my white ones look kawawa na)
27. skater shoes
28. electric fan for my room
29. full length mirror for my room
30. my room to be magically cleaned and organized (!)
31. a nice big jansport backpack in not-easily dirtied colors
32. kumpletong set ng office supplies (heavy duty puncher and stapler, staple remover, sticky notes, file folders, correction fluid)
33. coffee stash for the office, with sugar, no cream
34. a laptop
35. my old sim back
36. a compilation of all the songs that used to be on our wake-up tape (by disney, circa early '90s?)

sarap mangarap diba. :)

holy tuesday

why is it that i enjoy putting things off until the last possible minute?

back in high school, i was referred to as the "cram queen", due to my knack for putting off any and all homework and reviewing for tests until the period before that subject. it worked back then, my short-term memory was pretty sharp, and i reasoned that i worked better under pressure which had me produce results that were passable within the least amount of time.

fast forward to today. i have come to realize that some things are better done leisurely over an extended period of time than hurriedly within brief moments of extreme kangaragan. this has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on my dilly-dallying today to read my script and pick up some tapes from the neighboring building - tasks that really wouldn't take very long to execute, but nonetheless the impending holidays have been bearing down on most people and everyone is either in petiks or vacation mood (if not already out of town enjoying well-deserved leaves..!)

***

i sang at stripped two weeks ago! it was my first gig ever and oodles more fun than i could ever have imagined. infinite thanks to everyone who came and showed their support, i really felt the love (munchee and migs, genie girl and chill, kael and louie, nino, kaberks, ate des and nognog, promdate, krista, kayelle, cheson, paul and the tabing ilog gang: penguin, beefy, daddy cox, walds and vin who were in complete attendance). salamat din to jp, eric and the route 196 people for allowing me to exercise my vocal chords, and of course ronnie for backing me up. :) see y'all again in october!

***

i just realized how different it is to write for oneself rather than to be writing with a particular audience in mind...always with a looking good, always wondering, worrying, if they'll find it interesting, what they might say, how they might react. whereas when you blog freely and type at will, wala lang, deadma. verbal diarrhea straight from your brain through your fingertips and virtually immoratlized on a blogpage.

and now it is time for beer. :)