ahem. oh well...

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three things to be happy about

Yesterday was a good mail day for me. I don't normally get any snail mail at all, but yesterday i received three items in the mail: the first was from an old friend in the States, the second was a bulletin from my alma mater and the third was a much-awaited brochure from the NYFA.

I opened the envelope from my Stateside friends first, knowing full well that it contained photos from my recent visit. I smiled to myself as I reviewed our crazy zombie moments walking down Hollywood Boulevard, sleepless and ridiculously happy. I smiled as I read the card they sent, reminiscing about simpler times. The photo on front of the Kodak Theater (sadly, contraluz, it was the only picture of the three of us together), with my old elementary school teachers in the hotel lobby, with Saleen and the Hollywood sign barely discernible in the distance, with Jaowi and horrendously huge eyebags in front of the El Capitan... How I wish I was that skinny again! But alas, upon returning home shortly after those pictures were taken I took to food and beer as a bee to flowers and honey.

And then, wanting to open my NYFA brochure in the presence of someone who could fully appreciate the value of it to me, I opened my Ateneo bulletin instead. But after ingesting news tidbits about this year's batch of freshmen and the renewed hopes of the school for the upcoming UAAP season, I decided that I couldn't hold back any longer and so I rummaged around my room for a pair of scissors and ripped my brochure open.

Ang sarap ng feeling nung binabasa ko yung brochure. I could almost smell New York off the pages. I could actually picture myself as part of a four-man crew, filming in the streets of New York, writing scripts, attending classes, trying to find work in the off hours, editing during weekends. Ang saya.

In fact I dreamed of New York last night. Of the busy streets, the chilly weather, the bright lights, tall buildings... and of Diether Ocampo with long hair as my Stateside ex boyfriend. Even in my dreams my work haunts me. Damn. Wala akong kawala.

pagmamaneho sa kawalan

When I got home late last night (well, not too late... it must've been around 1:00 a.m.) I had the urge to blog a bit about my recent adventures, but could not muster enough energy to do so. I was forced to finish a lot of paperwork to meet a deadline that was pushed earlier than I expected.

But actually, the real reason why i was so tired is because after Chuzzling for hours late Wednesday night, two friends and I decided to drive up to Tagaytay on a whim. More accurately, a friend and I decided to drag another reluctant friend along with us up to Tagaytay since we didn't really know how to get there. (Yes, I am one of those ignorant drivers who had never, up until that moment, driven out of town. My usual route consists of home-work-nearby haunts. The furthest I had driven before Wednesday night was from Quezon City to Alabang and back to get a tattoo from Joe.)

We were lucky to find a quiet, secluded place that was open at the ungodly hour we arrived and where we could just chat and drink by the pool (since one of us insisted on being near a body of water). I couldn't resist jumping in. There was something so uniquely liberating about shedding your clothes and jumping into the water amidst the stillness and foliage. The deviation from the typical was small, yet much-needed; opportune and quite effective.

for some semblance of normalcy

Been sleeping a lot lately. For some people this would be a good thing, but I, having an innate tendency to sleep way too much for my own good, should probably not indulge myself.

Been having strange dreams as well, but even this is not unnatural for me. Wish I could extract more from my visions than an odd opener to a short-lived, pointless conversation.

Watched two interesting DVDs yesterday: "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and "Napoleon Dynamite". From a production point of view, loved how they were able to do Sunshine, fantastic premise, believable execution, sentiments struck a familiar chord. Melancholy, yet hopeful, in a tired way. Or perhaps because I chose to see a reflection of my own melodrama affirmed. At first, I couldn't quite get into the silly frame of mind for Napoleon, don't know if they expected people to chuckle through the whole film, in fact for a little bit it got rather annoying. But the dance sequence with one of my favorite tracks - Jamiroquai's "Canned Heat" - just seemed to make so much sense in a weird kind of way.

you think you know
since you've prepared for this for so long
many years spent
thinking
analyzing each move
each moment contemplated on
each pawn carefully positioned
to result in a victory
painstakingly planned
to win a battle so sweetly
so easily
and yet when the time comes
for the title to be claimed
all is not as you had expected it to be.
all things are in place
nothing else is left to be had.
or so it seems.
and everything is just as you thought it would be.
and yet nothing is as you want it to be.
the foundation has been dutifully laid out
the stage is set.
and yet the scene is not ripe
for the grand presentation night.
and the laurels you had wished for
are not the ones you had thought you were sitting upon.
and for a moment you are lost.
and for a moment you forget who you are.
and how far you have traveled to reach this point.
and how hard you have toiled to see so much.
and how many other moments like this were spent
cherished
worshipped
worshipping
a false god
a wrong pretense
a misguided song.
and now you are at a loss.
for nothing has prepared you
for this one
solitary moment
this shadow, this flicker
in your now questionable existence.
and you find repose in a world
that offers a different perspective
no matter how surreal
or seemingly insignificant
because its supposed abstract reality
makes an odd sort of sense
and resounds comfortingly
in your tired soul.
and here you find
that you can relax your grip on what remains on your
so-called sanity
and just
let
go

pardon me, i'm a virgin at this

Probably a bad way to start anything -- with an apology/disclaimer. But it is true. Never really thought that i would be the kind of person who would spend time writing in an online diary. E yung papel na diary nga sobrang sporadic ng entries ko e, what more yung pwedeng basahin ng kung sino man. I must be really bored. Either that or it's the little voice in my head that's screaming for attention.

Lord I'm fat. I should get up off my ass and do some pilates or something. Perhaps after this bout of laziness.

Hope everything goes well tomorrow. Please please please please please let everything go well tomorrow...

Muchas thanks to my brother for sharing with me his lay's potato chips (although he didn't really have much of a choice) and giving me his last chocolate-covered oreo.